A Fine Line

The first so called holiday card I receive every year is from a financial advisor. It’s an annual reminder that she puts my interests first. I appreciate it, and the ones to follow. It clearly takes more effort than an e-card or nothing at all. There has been controversy about cards, of course, because they are for people and people don’t agree on things. NPR played a story about those fabulous family photo letters vs. cards about Jesus. Are we putting our families and news about them above Mary and Joseph’s kids and the good news that has surrounded him? I don’t know. I just think those lists of how everyone in the family is doing are pretty lame. A friend made one up one year about how his son had just gotten out of jail and that his daughter was finally in a methadone treatment program. The wife, he boasted, conquered her gambling addiction and he (after many past promises)has stopping sleeping around his female employees. This time for real. So all in all, the year had been good to them. Very well done. The hope of a new year wafts from every word and says to us all that if those losers can make it so can we. I am thinking of coming out with my own greeting card line and already have some ideas. Here’s my sample portfolio for a year. Good investment opportunity here, entrepreneurs. Call me.

January: "It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day! Even though you're white, I value our friendship."

February: "It's almost Valentine's Day, an opportunity to prove to other people we're still having sex."

March: "It's Women's History Month! Let's start with Tonya Harding and work our way back."

April: "Sorry you're reading this off of the inside of an empty envelope. Happy April Fools Day.

May: "Happy Memorial Day! Even though you've never really done anything heroic, I'm pretty sure you would if you had to. "

May: "Happy Mother's Day! You've done more for me than I would ever do for anyone. No, really."

June: "Happy Father's Day! I know you may or may not be my real father, but at this point what difference does it really make?"

July: "It's July 4^th! Show America you love her. Drink beer and start a fire."

August: "No presents. No cards. No guilt. Happy August."

September: "Labor Day! Don't worry. Just put the ground beef and charcoal on a different credit card."

October. "Happy Halloween! Yea! We get to wear slutty clothes!!!"

November: "Happy Thanksgiving. Would you please make sure you label the pies this year? Last year I told my mouth it was getting pumpkin and apparently someone snuck in sweet potato."

December: "Hey! Nothing says Happy Holidays like a fight over the baby Jesus."

"Happy Snow and Shovel Day, everybody!"  It sucks to be us.

Hey, there’s something going around…

I spend my days with kids. These kids touch things. They touch the door knobs, push bars, slide locks, chairs, pencils, one another and me. I watch them pick their noses, slide their hands up and down across stuck out tongue (on yeah, really), lick their fingers and draw on the table tops leaving a saliva picture. We have discussed at length what a bad idea all of these things are, and we catch what we can but no way can we interrupt every disgusting movement that occurs.

We have hand sanitizer right inside each door, a sink with cool soap on each side of the room and an open policy about hand washing or leaving to go to the restroom where there is also soap and water. Parents, be sure to remind your child to wash hands before eating, and they will never be denied the opportunity. This sounds like it should work, but when schools were built, I guess kids had more time. Our lunch time starts at 12:05 and many of our classes are at art, music, and other specials until noon. Try to get a couple dozen people into snow pants, boots, jackets, with lunch, mittens, hats and scarves all ready to carry to lunch in less than five minutes. Remember, three have stuck zippers, one lost a glove and is in tears, a lunch box is dripping some juice drink that opened inside and one kid is still finishing spelling and you can’t leave him alone in the room. This does not leave time to do a military hand wash. A squirt of hand sanitizer, sure, but there are parents who want nothing to do with the stuff. They want honest to goodness soap and water, full minute soapy rinse before their child eats. Sorry. If your child has specials up until noon in winter, it’s just not going to happen.

We suggest you send something with your child to use for hand washing. Many parents put a wipe in the lunch box or instruct the child to stop in the rest room before getting into the lunch line. That’s a good idea, except there are germs all over the numeric pad the kids have to type lunch account codes on, and smeared over everything they come in contact with from that point on.

In Japan, I visited a school in which there was a 20 foot long sink just outside the cafeteria. Lots of kids could wash at one time. This makes sense. Schools would need this kind of upgrade in order for there to be enough sink room for everyone. There are two or three sinks for 100 students on each end of the hall. Line up 100 kids outside a bathroom door and give them 4 minutes to wash their hands squeaky clean while being quiet enough so as not to disturb others.

Scheduling classes to end twenty minutes before lunch would be groovy except there is no way a schedule can be built to do that. No one has an extra twenty minutes to spare. Nah-uh. So, we do the best we possibly can, but if surgery room hygiene is your thing, you may have to work that out with your child and with everyone else‘s child, as well. The schedules in schools these days don’t always leave time for us to do what we say. We don’t even have time to do what we do.

Maybe we can form a committee.

Hey, have a good motto for your local school? It’s all the rage, now that education involves recruiting and customer service. It’s not just Ford, it’s “Ford Tough”. Not a pansy truck like a Toyota. Although “Quality is Job One” used to be catchy, it’s sort of a laugh line these days. How ’bout, “Ford; OKAY! We get it!”

I like the snooty nature of IBM telling us to “Think” back in the day. How’s that one working? Now we’re being asked to add this fluff to school names, too. It is causing quite a bit of consternation from people who took too many English courses along the way. I’m seeing otherwise very clever and pragmatic intellectuals arguing about which four words should follow the school name and if it would sell sweat shirts.

What is with our urge to brand? Can‘t there be the assumption that public schools are set up to educate children? How ‘bout this, “Federico Fellini School. We teach. Crazy, isn‘t it?” I can see School of Rock might need a war cry like, “Wake up, play music and die.” so as not to be confused with “School of Rock; We are all Igneous”.

A school called, “Old School; we teach, test and move on,” probably wouldn’t get many takers, I guess. Maybe we do need mottos for definition. “Lemming School; Tomorrow’s Followers“, could attract that segment of our population uninterested in taking the lead or climbing up a corporate ladder or even getting homework in on time.

My theory is we’re being snookered by well meaning capitalists who are pushing books, kits, programs, consultant time, classroom materials and speaking engagements. Come up a market, a need and something the market might buy to meet the need. They bank on our belief that they’re on to something new. Hey, nothing’s new. Character Education is basically a ten commandment retread, but without the thous and shalts. If you’re declared a school of character, you get money and the prestige of saying that that‘s what you are. A couple catches, though… you have to use half the money you would be granted to go to wherever the Character Education Partnership Conference will be held and present there for nothing, and you would have to use the other half to recruit other followers, no doubt to the website where they can buy anything they need to become as successful as you are. The payoff will be a country full of suspiciously polite children. Just wait and see.

Now if you want to be a Blue Ribbon School, you have to make George Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act look like it’s actually working. That means you have attained and maintained high academic goals (determined by test scores). In return you get a big banner to fly on your school which declares that no child has been left behind in your building and what a great idea that act was.

No matter what I think, the search for identity goes on in schools across our country. I found some good ones from corporate America, but my favorite is from the National Security Agency.

“Anything is possible, the impossible just takes longer.”

Indeed.

I was surprised to hear a New Berlin friend express her amazement at the roadside rummage giveaways we have in Shorewood. They don’t do that where she lives. Maybe they don't know how cool it is. Maybe they haven’t heard about the reuse part of the 3Rs. I find it a service that I can leave an old chair out in the alley next to my trash cart one day, and two days later wake up and it’s gone. I hope someone made a few bucks on my laziness. This little quirk of ours is one I really like. I think it’s the appeal of the mystery around who took our things and the magic of its disappearance. It's like backwards santa. The fact that we don’t have to pay the DPW to pick it up or to crush it is an added plus.

There are some days better than others. Summer and spring are usually the high times, but I’m trying to create some buzz about December curb shopping. I think Shorewood.now could set aside a little corner for us to post what we will be dragging out of the house, where it will be put and when we can get it when no one will see us. Instead of letters to Santa, we could post wish lists and hope someone will grant one. For example, I was wishing someone would have a pair of size 7 tap shoes laying out on the curb because that’s the latest great idea I’ve had. I’m going to learn to tap for health and entertainment. The fifty cent pieces crazy glued to the soles of my running shoes isn’t quite making it. It would be great if someone would tell me when those would be available.

I know someone who is looking for lawn furniture. Come fall, there is always a good selection of the butt molded plastic white chairs around. Unfortunately, you missed the season. Now you will have to wait until January when people toss the old stuff they got new stuff to replace. If only we knew what would be there, it would save time and gas. We could check things off our shopping lists right there in front seat. Hopefully, non-residents will honor the honor system which dictates that Shorewood residents get first dibs, but after two days it’s all up for grabs.

I think if we could coordinate our curb shops, we could be more effective. Maybe Mondays could be recreation and fitness equipment, Tuesday office machines, Wednesday furniture, Thursday breakables, Friday old windows and doors, Saturday boxes of clothing (size marked please) and Sunday entertainment pieces like cassettes, disks, albums, DVDs, books and children’s toys or play equipment.

Some tips: Don’t remove cushions from sofas or overstuffed chairs. The smell will go away eventually and having to get new ones defeats the beauty of the find.

If it doesn’t work, please say so. It may not matter, but some of us aren’t too handy.

Make a big sign that says “FREE” so your neighbors don’t think we’re stealing.

Leave ice cube trays in the refrigerators. People need those.

Put any hardware necessary for installation in a labeled plastic bag, please.

If you leave leftovers out (say, turkey?) please date it.

This holiday season, we can get some good bargains right here in our beloved Shorewood. Someone is bound to have something you want. Do your part.

Take it.