(Note: On September 5th, 2008, I was diagnosed with Squamous Cell
Tongue Cancer - Stage 4. Following is the 9'th blog on my journey)
First - My apologies. When I pledged to writing this, my commitment was to keep it fairly current without resorting to dragging out the smallest details. It's now about been about 2 1/2 weeks, but that leads me to the newest phase of my experiences - "It's pretty well become all about me."
Chemo was completed, and a week later the 35 radiation sessions were finally finalized on November 14'th. And during this time is where my thoughts, feelings, and state of well-being were taken over by a new physicality of the healing process. This has been an intense period where I awoke and dreaded whatever and however many pains that day would bring. While my brain was telling me "Good job Jay! You finished the chemo and radiation! Healing's on the way!", my body was on a completely different page of a new and strange book. A real "page-turner", every chapter twists, turns, and contorts you emotionally and physically.
Based on our typical, built up over the years medical experiences, I expect that when we get ill or injured, we follow a prescribed treatment for a certain length of time and... we get better. Throw this conventional thought process out when dealing with cancer! I really, honestly felt the fight rage within me between my past healing experiences and this newest "treatment's done - now you are really going to experience things". Only in the last day or two have I been able to step away from this conflict and assess and recognize that all of my focus has been on me. While the searing intensity of the past few weeks makes it easy for me to readily accept this, I am now surprised at how everything "non-me" has been blocked out. It also brings back that the medical professionals did provide some warnings about the lingering chemo and radiation effects, but there is no way they could have put a factor on them because "Everyone handles it differently".
By now you have figured out that my post chemo and radiation time has not gone quite as expected. You would be correct. Everything is still on track towards healing and a cure. However, it would be difficult to quantify the levels of discomfort when compounded with the perceived angst of not healing when you think you should be.
This most recent, negative phase has thrown everyone here a curve. Many comments during the prior treatment process were directed at how well I appeared to handle whatever was directed to me, and how strong I was in my fight against cancer. And we all therefore believed that this would continue throughout. In fact, I expected that from me. It truly was nice to hear compliments, and that motivated me in the same positive direction.
Therefore, it is important that I take pause and remember the "why's" of my treatment. This is also the time to review, respect, and thank the countless people who have said or are saying prayers in support of my full recovery. It's also important for me to put the past few weeks in perspective (and hopefully leave them there). But most importantly, I need to reestablish a positive approach in my fight against cancer. I just visited "the dark side" for a couple weeks...and I am not the better for it.
Almost everyone concurs on one point - a positive approach is the most important aspect in fighting cancer. The last phase (post chemo/radiation) pulled me away from that mindset - albeit for a short while.
Again moving forward, I have etched out the differences felt when challenging this miserable, miscreant disease from a positive perspective. One cannot put up a weak or neutral posture in this fight - cancer preys upon this.
Lessons learned...
